The Cycle of Trauma Bonding: Understanding, Healing, & Breaking Free
Trauma bonding is a powerful emotional attachment that forms in response to ongoing abuse in a relationship.
It occurs when a person bonds with their abuser through cycles of intense love and manipulation, leading to a toxic relationship where love and harm become intertwined. While the body can’t distinguish between different forms of abuse, the effects of trauma bonding are real, both emotionally and physically.
Understanding the cycle of trauma bonding and its connection to attachment styles and the autonomic nervous system is the key to healing. Let’s dive deeper into the cycle of trauma bonding, why it happens, and how you can begin to break free.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding refers to the deep emotional attachment that can develop between a victim and their abuser, even though the relationship is harmful. In this bond, the victim becomes psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes physically dependent on the abuser, even when the relationship causes them harm.
The cycle of trauma bonding is often compared to the carrot and stick theory, where the “carrot” represents the love bombing stage (excessive affection, attention, and idealization), while the “stick” relates to the devaluation and discarding stages of narcissistic abuse. The highs and lows of this cycle create confusion and attachment, often keeping victims locked in abusive situations.
Attachment Style: The Foundation of Trauma Bonding
Our attachment style—developed from early relationships with caregivers—shapes how we connect with others later in life. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
For those with an anxious attachment style, trauma bonding is often more pronounced. When a child grows up feeling emotionally insecure with caregivers who were inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, they develop an anxious attachment style. As adults, they tend to seek out relationships that replicate these emotional dynamics because it feels familiar. Unfortunately, this makes them an ideal target for narcissistic partners who create chaotic, unpredictable patterns of love and control.
The Autonomic Nervous System’s Role in Trauma Bonding
The autonomic nervous system (ANS) controls the body’s involuntary responses, and it plays a critical role in trauma bonding. The ANS has two parts: the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system.
Sympathetic nervous system: This system triggers the fight/flight/freeze response when there’s perceived danger, releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline into the body.
Parasympathetic nervous system: After the danger has passed, this system releases calming hormones, like dopamine, allowing the body to return to a state of balance.
When a person is trapped in a trauma bond, their sympathetic system stays in overdrive, especially during the devaluation and discarding phases of the cycle. The love bombing phase (the “carrot”) temporarily engages the parasympathetic system, giving the victim a sense of relief and safety, only to be followed by intense emotional distress when the cycle turns back to abuse.
This constant shifting between the two systems is what makes trauma bonding so difficult to escape. You are emotionally caught in the pendulum swing between feeling safe and loved and feeling devalued and discarded.
10 Signs of Trauma Bonding
Do you find yourself trapped in a toxic relationship, feeling both connected to your partner and powerless to leave? Here are some signs that you may be experiencing trauma bonding:
You feel stuck and powerless in the relationship, but want to make the best of it.
You’re uncertain whether you trust the other person, but leaving feels impossible.
Your relationship is intense and complex.
There are promises of things getting better in the future.
You "focus on the good" in the person, even when their behaviors are abusive.
You think you can change your abusive partner.
Friends and family encourage you to leave, but you stay.
You defend the relationship when others criticize it.
Your abuser constantly lets you down, but you keep trying.
You often don’t feel seen, understood, or heard, but continue to try to make it work.
How Do We Heal From Trauma Bonding?
Healing from trauma bonding is possible, but it starts with awareness and understanding. Recognizing that your body and brain have been hijacked by this cycle is essential in regaining control. Here are five steps to begin the healing process:
Step #1: Document the Abusive Incidents
Keeping a record of the abuse can be a powerful tool. It might feel negative, but writing down the events helps you see the cumulative nature of the abuse. Often, when we’re in a trauma bond, positive moments become intertwined with harmful ones, making it difficult to see the pattern. Betrayal blindness can prevent us from acknowledging the abuse, but writing it down gives us clarity.
Step #2: Get Back Into Your Body
Reconnecting with your body is crucial in healing from trauma bonding. Grounding techniques, like deep breathing or mindful body scans, can help you feel more present. Start with just five minutes a day to breathe deeply and pay attention to the sensations in your body. This helps you tune into your autonomic nervous system and build trust in what your body is trying to tell you.
Step #3: Spend Time in Nature
Nature has an incredible ability to help us reconnect with our senses and feel grounded. Going outside, breathing fresh air, and simply being present in nature can help restore emotional balance and offer perspective on your situation.
Step #4: Become an Emotional Scientist
Get curious about your emotions. Instead of reacting to them, take time to explore them. Ask yourself, "Why do I feel this way? What’s triggering this response?" This process of emotional detachment can help you untangle your feelings and build trust in your own emotional signals.
Step #5: Seek Professional Help
Healing from trauma bonding is rarely something you can do alone. A mental health professional, such as a trauma-informed therapist or a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, can guide you through the process. Coaching is an effective way to build awareness, understand your trauma bond, and learn tools to break free and stay out of unhealthy relationships.
Trauma Bonding: Frequently Asked Questions
What does it mean to be trauma-bonded to someone?
Trauma bonding occurs when you form an intense emotional attachment to someone who is abusive, often as a result of the cycles of abuse. This bond is forged through alternating periods of love bombing and devaluation, creating confusion and emotional dependence on the abuser. In cases of domestic violence or domestic abuse, the trauma bond can make it difficult to leave or break free from the toxic relationship.
What are the 7 stages of the trauma bond?
The 7 stages of trauma bonding include love bombing, where the abuser overwhelms the victim with affection and attention; building trust and dependency, where emotional reliance begins; criticism and devaluation, when the abuser starts withdrawing affection and undermining self-worth; gaslighting, where the victim is made to question their reality; control and resignation, as the victim adjusts their behavior to avoid conflict; loss of self, marked by emotional numbness and identity erosion; and finally, addiction to the cycle, where the victim becomes hooked on the emotional highs and lows of the relationship. These stages reflect the patterns described in traumatic bonding theory and are commonly found in domestic violence and domestic abuse scenarios. Support from a mental health professional, safety plans, and support groups are vital for healing.
How to break away from a trauma bond?
Breaking free from a trauma bond requires creating a safety plan, reaching out for professional support, and connecting with support groups that understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. Documenting incidents of abuse, practicing grounding techniques, and seeking a mental health professional can also help you safely navigate the process of leaving.
What are the long-term effects of trauma bonding?
The long-term effects of trauma bonding include chronic anxiety, depression, dissociation, and a weakened ability to trust oneself or others. This often leads to nervous system dysregulation and physical symptoms, like digestive issues and fatigue. The ongoing exposure to cycles of abuse can leave lasting scars, which require time and support to heal.
Ready To Break Free From Trauma Bonding?
If you feel you might be trauma-bonded, you're not alone. Healing is possible, and the first step is awareness. Book a complimentary consult today and start learning how to break the cycle of trauma bonding with Spin Cycle Coaching.
