Coercive Control

When we talk about narcissistic abuse, we often focus on toxic patterns like gaslighting, love bombing, and devaluation — but there's another form of abuse that deserves equal attention: coercive control. Many people only associate this term with cults they hear about in the news, and of course, coercion and indoctrination are central to how cults operate. But coercive control doesn't require a group dynamic. I've come to understand that I was indoctrinated through coercive control in the same way people are drawn into cults — and it happened in my most intimate relationship.

So let's start by identifying what coercive control actually is, and how it operates behind closed doors.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a strategic, ongoing form of psychological and emotional abuse rooted in power, manipulation, and oppression. It is closely tied to narcissism and trauma bonding, fueled by cycles of intermittent positive and negative reinforcement that keep the target off-balance and dependent.

One of its most defining characteristics is the erosion of a person's autonomy. This can look like: slowly dismantling their self-esteem, isolating them from friends and family, restricting access to money or transportation, monitoring or accusing them, and criticizing their interests, relationships, and choices. The narcissist's ultimate goal is to make their target financially, emotionally, and psychologically reliant on them. Does any of this sound familiar?

When We Accept Love Bombing, We've Accepted the Beginning of the Manipulation

In the cycle of narcissistic abuse, the love bombing stage often feels magical — almost too good to be true. That's because it is. Love bombing is not a gift; it is the first stage of coercive control. It's a very tasty carrot attached to a very big stick. It works most of the time, unless you are able to trust your intuition and move forward with awareness and caution.

As the control deepens, we lose our sense of autonomy and self. Compliance becomes the path of least resistance — we are rewarded with praise when we fall in line. We may receive compliments for losing or gaining weight, for wearing certain clothing, watching certain shows, or even following a particular sleep schedule. What makes this so insidious is how incremental it is. That's the very nature of indoctrination. After enough intermittent reinforcement, we begin to people-please simply to feel safe — while remaining in a constant state of survival mode, our nervous systems flooded with cortisol, perpetually stuck in fight or flight.

A Cult of Two

When we hear the word "cult," we tend to picture terrorist groups or religious fanatics living off the grid. But I prefer the term high-control group because it strips away the mystique and gets to the heart of what coercive control actually is. You don't need to surrender your possessions and retreat to a remote commune to be in a cult. A cult can be two people. All you need is a narcissist and someone who has fallen prey to their control.

It begins with something the victim perceives as a positive addition to their life — something that feels special or affirming. Consider a narcissistic parent who suddenly offers more attention to a child. Children of narcissistic parents are especially vulnerable to this dynamic. If a child has been starved of praise or warmth from an abusive parent, and that parent suddenly turns on the charm to serve their own agenda, the child can be indoctrinated quickly and without realizing it. Parenting is, in many ways, a perfect setup for a narcissist — children are wholly dependent on their caregivers for physical and emotional survival. When that dependence is exploited, it is an absolute abuse of power. It is cruel, and the harm runs deep.

The Antidote to Coercive Control: Turn on the Light

Coercive control is hidden abuse. There may be no visible bruises, no dramatic incidents — nothing that looks like abuse from the outside. This can cause the target to question their own reality, even gaslight themselves into believing nothing is wrong. Hidden abuse thrives in the dark, behind closed doors.

The antidote to darkness is light.

Open the door. Speak it out loud. Ask questions so you can be validated by people who are safe and trustworthy. Turn to a family member or friend who is not only a good listener, but someone honest enough to speak truth rather than simply tell you what you want to hear. Consider seeing a therapist or coach — even just for a consultation — to gain clarity on what you may be dealing with and to have your experience affirmed. You don't have to figure it all out at once. Just take the next right step.

I did, and it made all the difference.

If you need someone to talk to, please reach out. We would be honored to be that person for you.

You cannot ask the darkness to leave; you must turn on the light.