Narcissistic Abuse
Are you ready to break free from the narcissistic abuse cycle?
When You’re Stuck in a Cycle of Hope, Hurt, Repeat…
You're exhausted—but not in the way a long day at work leaves you. This is deeper. It's the constant second-guessing, the “am I the crazy one?” loop that plays on repeat in your mind. One minute your partner is warm, affectionate, and full of promises. The next? Cold, distant, and making you feel like everything is your fault.
You try to talk about your feelings, only to be told you're too sensitive. You bring up something that hurt you, and suddenly you're the one apologizing. You replay conversations in your head, trying to figure out where you went wrong. But the truth is...you didn’t.
You’re not dramatic. You’re not too much. And you’re definitely not imagining things. What you’re experiencing has a name: narcissistic abuse.
It’s the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and emotional confusion that leaves you walking on eggshells, constantly questioning your reality. And it’s not just “a rough patch” or “normal relationship stuff.” It’s manipulation—and it’s designed to keep you stuck.
What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation used by individuals who seek to control, confuse, and destabilize the people closest to them. It’s not always loud or obvious. In fact, it often hides behind charm, affection, and carefully constructed excuses.
It starts with what feels like intense love or admiration—maybe even the best relationship you've ever had. But slowly, the compliments turn into criticisms. The closeness becomes control. And the person who once made you feel special now makes you question your worth.
You might find yourself constantly second-guessing what you said, what you did, or whether your feelings are even valid. That’s not an accident—it’s part of the cycle.
Common tactics include:
Gaslighting: Making you doubt your memory, feelings, or reality.
Love bombing: Overwhelming affection early on to hook you in emotionally.
Silent treatment: Withholding communication or affection as punishment.
Blame-shifting: Making you feel responsible for their outbursts or bad behavior.
Narcissistic abuse is about control. And over time, it will erode your self-esteem, emotional stability, and sense of reality. But recognizing it is the first step toward breaking free.
Types of Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always show up as yelling or overt cruelty. More often, it’s a pattern of subtle but powerful behaviors that chip away at your self-esteem, your sense of reality, and your emotional well-being.
They not only control the narrative, but they also rewrite it to suit their needs. Because of their fragile egos, they don’t want to be wrong, and they avoid any accountability. Here’s a breakdown of common types of narcissistic abuse:
Gaslighting: Making you question your memory, your reality, or even your sanity. (“That never happened.” “You’re imagining things.”)
Emotional Blackmail: Using threats, guilt, or punishment to control your actions or keep you silent.
Smearing: Damaging your reputation behind your back by spreading lies, half-truths, or deeply personal details.
Manipulation: Using tactics like love bombing or sudden withdrawal to keep you emotionally off balance and dependent.
Blame-Shifting: Never taking responsibility. Somehow, it’s always your fault—no matter what.
Isolation: Slowly cutting you off from friends, family, or anyone who might help you see things clearly.
Lack of Empathy: Dismissing or ignoring your feelings, especially when you’re hurting or vulnerable.
Emotional Exploitation: Using your compassion, fears, or loyalty against you to get what they want.
Power Plays: Asserting dominance in subtle or overt ways to make you feel small, scared, or incapable.
Idealization and Devaluation: Swinging between putting you on a pedestal and tearing you down—leaving you confused and craving their approval.
Understanding The Narcissism Spectrum
Narcissistic behaviors can range from healthy or “normal” traits to what we know as pathological or “clinical” narcissism. The spectrum below illustrates just how complex this personality disorder really is. If you believe you’re living with a narcissist, the information provided can be of great use to you.
Understanding narcissism and how to deal with narcissistic abuse shouldn’t be a battle you fight alone. Spin Cycle Coaching is here to help you heal.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): A Recognized Illness
Psychologically speaking, narcissism is a personality trait everyone possesses to some degree. Like any characteristic, it exists on a spectrum and we all fall somewhere along the narcissism continuum. In fact, a certain amount of self-centeredness is healthy.
“It was a relief to learn that there are terms and predictable traits that accompany the behavior I was experiencing.”
What is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
When a malignant narcissist begins the spin cycle of abuse, it sets in motion three predictable phases:
Idealizing
Devaluing
Discarding
Narcissist Abuse Cycle Phase 1: Idealization or “Love Bombing”
In this stage, the narcissist is motivated to be kind and loving and appears to demonstrate compassion and concern. This is also called the “love bombing” phase. The narcissist showers their person of interest with attention, compliments, gifts, and wonderful love scenarios.
The dark side of this cycle includes lying, secrets, manipulation, and exploitation. During this phase, individuals are groomed to accept this type of behavior and begin “supplying” the narcissist’s stock of control.
Narcissist Abuse Cycle Phase 2: Devaluation & Put-Downs
Over time, abusers start to show their true selves. When you ask for compromise, empathy, and boundaries, the narcissist stops seeing you as the perfect person to fluff their ego feathers. At this point, they may start finding fault with your behavior and slip put-downs into the conversation. The insults start subtly and then escalate as an effort to control you.
Eventually, one of two things happens:
You are empty and beyond exhausted. You have nothing left, no emotions or reactions left to supply them with ammunition.
Or, your understanding of who and what they really are becomes clear. You begin learning to stop supplying the narcissist and set yourself free. Either way, your utility to the narcissist has expired.
Narcissist Abuse Cycle Phase 3: Discarding
When you start asking for compromise, reciprocity, empathy, integrity, honesty, and boundaries (all healthy and valid requests that people with extreme narcissistic qualities generally do not engage in), the narcissist may decide that you have lost your luster and need to be replaced.
No longer a source of supply, your utility has ended for the narcissist. And to further complicate things, covert narcissists can project the “discarding” onto you so they can appear to be the victim and walk away with clean hands.
The narcissist begins a cycle of egregious psychological and emotional manipulation, intentionally exploiting your vulnerabilities and hitting your trigger points. They invest zero effort in continuing to pretend they are in any way engaged with you.
Despite the pain you’re feeling, it will pass. You are meant for bigger, better things, and one day you can look back on this chapter in your life and feel proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to let go. Are you ready to stop the abuse cycle?
Despite the pain you’re feeling, it will pass. You are meant for bigger, better things and one day you can look back on this chapter in your life and feel proud of yourself for taking the necessary steps to let go.