Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse: The Spin Cycle
You’re stuck in it, aren’t you? The same arguments, the same apologies, the same confusion that leaves you questioning everything. That’s not love—it’s the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
One minute you’re adored, the next you’re blamed, ignored, or made to feel crazy. You try harder, hoping it’ll stop. But it doesn’t. It spins faster. And the longer you stay, the more you lose your grip on who you are.
I see it. I’ve lived it. And if you’re ready to name it, you're already one step closer to breaking free. Let’s talk about what this cycle looks like.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of emotional and psychological harm that centers around control, manipulation, and a deep lack of empathy. It’s not always loud. In fact, it often hides behind charm, charisma, and subtle digs that make you question yourself.
You might feel like you’re constantly explaining yourself, apologizing for things you didn’t do, or wondering if you're the problem. That confusion isn’t random—it’s part of the tactic. Narcissistic abuse makes communication difficult on purpose.
Over time, this kind of toxic behavior chips away at your confidence, your boundaries, and your emotional health. And that’s exactly what keeps the cycle going.
What Is the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse, or Spin Cycle?
Usually, when we hear the term “spin cycle,” we think of a washing machine or maybe a workout class. But in the context of relationships, the spin cycle has a much darker meaning—narcissistic abuse.
Picture being in a relationship where the same patterns keep looping. One minute you’re being pulled in with affection, the next you’re pushed out with criticism or silence. It’s like emotional whiplash—a tornado of confusion, highs and lows, and constant second-guessing.
This is the spin cycle of narcissistic abuse. It’s not just exhausting—it’s dangerous. The pattern isn’t like what you’d find in a healthy relationship. When healthy couples argue, there’s clarity and mutual respect. With a narcissistic partner, arguments leave you feeling dizzy, unsure, and destabilized.
And the cycle? It repeats. As long as there’s something left to gain—emotional power, control, or attention—the narcissist will keep pulling you back in.
Phases of the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse Spin Cycle
There are several phases, or states, of a narcissistic spin cycle. Initially, it can feel like everything is almost too perfect.
In the end, it feels like the end of the world. It’s important to be able to recognize the warning signs of psychological and emotional abuse and learn how to deal with them before getting pulled into the spin cycle.
Phase 1: Idealization
The period of idealization or “love bombing” can often feel too good to be true. And it often is. Normal, healthy relationships are usually characterized by compromise, boundaries, and respect.
Putting someone on a pedestal, making them feel like the idyllic partner, meeting all of their wants, showering them with gifts or trips, is often a sign that there is some other motive going on behind the scenes.
A narcissist’s strategy is always psychological. They know that once you’re hooked, you start to become indoctrinated into their power and control structure.
Phase 2: Devaluing
Once the narcissist knows you’re inside the power structure and you try to ask them for some of the power and control or just normal autonomy in the relationship, the dizzying patterned state of devaluing sets in.
They begin to find fault in their target to make them feel weak and powerless, creating a veil of control over the victim. The narcissistic abuser may begin—subtly, insidiously, and covertly—to devalue their significant other. This takes many forms, including:
Putdowns
Gaslighting
Projection (attributing their own unacceptable characteristics onto you)
Withdrawing affection
Disappearing from contact
Using the silent treatment
Blame shifting (blaming the target for the narcissistic person’s issues)
The devaluing period causes many targeted individuals to become fully indoctrinated to the abuse, which chips away at the victim’s sense of self, core values, and beliefs. The victim often feels trapped, isolated, and worn down.
Phase 3: Discarding
The narcissist may or may not try the tactic of “hoovering” (love bombing repeat) to bring the target back into the spin cycle.
If hoovering is no longer successful and the target starts asking for compromise, reciprocity, empathy, and boundaries, the narcissist may decide that the target has lost their luster and needs to be replaced.
The victim is no longer the source of supply, and as a result, the utility of the victim has ended for the narcissist.
Inevitably, the discarding occurs when the person with narcissism either disappears or orchestrates their own abandonment by engaging in some form of egregious emotional abuse.
The outcome is often shocking for the abuse survivor, unclear as to how someone that they fell so deeply in love with could treat them so cruelly and throw it all away.
Find the Resources To Heal
In the end, just like the setting on your washing machine, the spin cycle of narcissistic abuse extracts so much out of us. Getting support and gaining a better understanding of your situation is why we’re here.
At Spin Cycle Coaching, we know that this type of abuse has taken away your ability to self-validate. When that happens, it’s important to find a validating community so you can begin the healing and restoration process.
Eventually, you will be able to validate yourself and reclaim your power. We can partner with you to help you understand what’s happened, regain your balance, and help you gain tools to stay out of future spin cycles.
Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse: Frequently Asked Questions
What are the 5 things to never do after breaking up with a narcissist?
After breaking up with a narcissist, avoid these five things:
Don’t engage or respond to their messages (no contact is key).
Don’t try to explain yourself—they’ll twist your words.
Don’t check their social media—it keeps you emotionally hooked.
Don’t believe their sudden apologies or promises to change.
Don’t isolate—talk to a mental health professional or trusted support system.
What are the 4 D's of narcissism?
The 4 D’s of narcissism are tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control:
Dismiss – Minimizing your feelings or concerns.
Deny – Refusing to acknowledge their behavior.
Deflect – Changing the subject or turning the blame onto you.
Devalue – Undermining your worth through criticism or emotional withdrawal.
What does PTSD from a narcissist look like?
PTSD from narcissistic abuse often includes emotional flashbacks, hypervigilance, anxiety, and intense self-doubt. You might replay conversations in your head, feel jumpy or on edge, and constantly question your reality. It’s not just “being sensitive”—it’s your nervous system responding to prolonged emotional harm. A mental health professional can help you understand these symptoms and begin healing.
What does narcissistic rage look like?
Narcissistic rage can be explosive or passive-aggressive. It’s a sudden, intense reaction to anything that challenges their ego or sense of control. You might see yelling, threats, silent treatment, or cruel jabs meant to hurt you. It’s not a normal reaction to conflict—it’s punishment for stepping out of line in their emotional power game.
What are some things a narcissist would say?
Narcissists use words to confuse, control, and shame. Some common phrases include:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“Everyone agrees with me.”
“You’re lucky I put up with you.”
“You’re imagining things.”
These are classic signs of gaslighting and emotional manipulation. They’re designed to make you question your reality and give up your sense of control.
Work With Spin Cycle Coaching To Stop the Spin
Let’s leave spinning for washing machines and exercise class! Get in touch for a private, no-commitment consult today and break free from the spin.
