Surviving the Holidays with Toxic People
Navigating the day-to-day with a toxic partner, friend or family member is difficult and exhausting, so how do you handle an entire holiday season with this person(s)? Self-preservation is key! Here are some tips to stay out of toxic cycles!
Change your expectations.
It’s unreasonable to expect what you know you won’t get with a toxic partner/family member. This will not be the time they hear you, see you, or change so save your energy and give yourself expectations for taking care of yourself during this time. This might be bringing your favorite food even if no one else likes it; bring your favorite music or podcast and headphones to listen to when you need space; spend 10 to 20 minutes in a quiet space with a good book.
Breathe deeply, and then respond in a calm neutral tone.
When a toxic person starts conflict with you or “baits” you into reacting, taking time to breathe creates a space so you can better respond. Once you’re calm, and your brain is out of fight or flight mode, you can redirect with a question. For instance, if a toxic family member starts to gossip or belittle another family member, instead of engaging in the triangulation, ask the person about an emotion you see them experiencing, like anger, and then gently ask them what might be behind their anger. This shifts the focus onto them which is not what they want, and it also reflects you showing up in a caring way by trying to understand them better so they feel heard. Shutting down the behavior in this way forces them to disengage from the topic. At this point, you may insert something more neutral and positive to talk about.
Regulate your emotions.
When you feel in emotional distress, splash cold water on your face or put an icepack around your eyes to bring down your emotional temperature. Go outside and breathe, take a walk or run around the block to get the stress out so you can reset. Once you feel less distressed, focus on your deep breathing for a few minutes so if you’re faced with more toxic behavior, you can better respond instead of react. Your overreaction is what the toxic person wants. Your distress is their fuel. Cut off the supply!
Set and maintain boundaries.
Boundaries are not for the toxic person. Boundaries are for your protection. Set your boundary with clarity and firmness. Be specific about the behavior, not the person. For instance, instead of “You’re being disrespectful”, try “When your raise your voice at me, that’s not okay.” This makes it about the action, not an attack on their character.
Maintaining the boundary means you will have to follow through with consequences. If you say you are going to leave the room, you actually need to do it.
Prepare for pushback because people that cross your boundaries may test you or call you too sensitive. Stay calm and don’t explain. You already did that. Long explanations often invite debate. If you want to say something, simply state that you were clear about what you asked for and then HOLD steady!
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