The Thing About Hope

Hope is a beautiful thing. It evokes good feelings of expectation and desire. But I think there is a tricky side to hope. The German Philosopher Friedrick Nietzsche’s famous quote about hope stops many people in their tracks: "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man". Quotes often require context to understand how and why the message is being delivered. Nietzsche observed that hope can keep people trapped in systems that will never change. A narcissistic relationship cycle behaves in the same way.

As a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, this speaks to what I so often observe as I partner with clients to build awareness around their relationship with a narcissist. Narcissistic relationships are systems where power and control are used to dehumanize and destabilize another person. We know the cycle of abuse involves a narcissist love bombing and idealizing their target as a way to work into a position of control. And we also know to keep that control, a narcissist will use the psychological tactics of devaluing and discarding to keep them in the spin cycle. As I’ve discussed in other posts, this carrot and stick approach is toxic because it leads to a person’s nervous system becoming so used to this pattern that they become trauma bonded. You can read more about this concept here.

The Trickiness Of Hope

So this is where hope enters in. I have observed how hope continues to enter into this trauma bonded cycle - enabling it to continue. In my 25 year marriage, I can reflect on many times I grew hopeful during quieter, happier moments in my family only to realize they were short lived. My ex-husband wasn’t able to love me or see my value because of who he was and no amount of hope would change that, and because of his grandiosity he was unable to see he needed to change - my hope was misplaced. This was also validated by my therapist after something significant happened in our marriage and she met with my ex-husband. She called me and told me she was sorry she couldn’t help me because he didn’t and wouldn’t ever know how to love me. I felt so many things - relief that it wasn’t me being too sensitive and that I wasn’t crazy; confusion around how I ended up with such a husband; and devastation that my fears were right and he would never be able to truly love me. My well of hope started to dry up, and with support, I started to learn how to hope in myself and the future I would discover. And in this is why Nietzsche’s quote resonates with me.

How Do You Perceive Hope?

I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting this awareness lead to a certain end to the narcissistic relationship. What I’m suggesting is to first notice for yourself how you perceive hope in a toxic relationship. Does hope continue to fuel toxic patterns? Do you constantly find yourself being shocked when hope is shattered? This is where hope can be tricky because is it real or misplaced hope? It’s normal to believe that our partners will be interested in our feelings and also interested in understanding our boundaries, but when we are hoping for something that by the nature of its being is not going to happen, we may just be setting ourselves up for more pain and a pattern of blaming ourselves each time it happens.

So I think in the context of a narcissistic relationship, the concept of hope can be a barrier to our own healing. If we decide to stay in relationship with a narcissist, at least for the time being, we can take a different lens on hope, the lens of focussing on our own healing by learning how to honor our own needs and wants, maintain boundaries and become less codependent.

Please reach out if you want to focus on removing barriers to your healing.