Harnessing the Power of Our Inner Voice
I have observed many patterns of behavior after years of doing my own emotional work and also coaching clients going through or recovering from narcissistic abuse. In my own experience, I recall the patterns of co-dependency in my marriage to a narcissist; the patterns of survival in the toxic system when I wasn’t totally aware of what was happening to me; and the pattern in how I neglected the truth of my intuition and internal voice.
An internal voice, often called "inner speech" or the "voice in our head," is rooted in neuroscience and is explained as the phenomenon of silent, verbal thinking that most people experience. It's the mental process where we "hear" ourselves talking in our mind without actually speaking aloud. Some call it our intuition, which is the ability to understand something immediately and is often reflected in how something makes our body feel, ie. walking at night in a dark area triggers fear and hesitation. This is a very relatable and reasonable example so why in other situations do we question our intuition and inner voice? And can we always trust it?
Cultivate Awareness
I learned how to connect to my inner voice through mindful observation and identification of unhelpful patterns. I started paying attention to my inner dialogue without judgment, noticing patterns, tone, and content. When I was making big decisions or dealing with a confusing situation, I would write this dialogue down which helped me dig in deeper and get curious about my self-talk. I also learned about a concept called “distanced self-talk” which is addressing myself by name instead of using “I” to gain perspective. By doing this, our minds believe we are talking to a separate person which helps give our self-talk more credibility and lessens the opportunity for negative self-talk. I think we can all agree that we speak to ourselves negatively sometimes, but when you are in a narcissistic relationship, our negative self-talk can get amplified because of the ongoing psychological abuse in the form of gaslighting and blame shifting.
Transform Negative Self-Talk
I’ve worked hard on transforming my negative self-talk, and it still comes up for me. This is also a topic of coaching sessions with so many of my clients. When my inner voice becomes negative and judgmental, I challenge it right away. I question it’s accuracy and usefulness. As I used to say to my children when they were young, “Is it helpful or hurtful?” When my answer is hurtful and unhelpful, it’s time for me to change direction and harness the inner voice that shows up for me as curious, honest and self-reflective.
It has been so helpful for me to practice self-compassion when my inner voice is negative. My go to is asking myself if I would speak to my daughter or a good friend in the same negative way I’m talking to myself. Truly, I wouldn’t speak to any person in the negative way I can talk to myself. I believe the pattern of negative self-talk is connected to childhood experiences where we never felt good enough or could be rooted in societal norms and expectations. It sparks joy for me when I interact with a young child who hasn’t developed the pattern of negative self-talk and it reminds me to be kinder and gentler with myself.
Your internal voice shapes your reality in profound ways. By becoming more intentional about how you talk to yourself, you can transform it from a potential source of limitation into a powerful ally for growth and wellbeing.
Please reach out if you’d like to talk more about the patterns you’re becoming aware of in your internal dialogue and how to harness the power of your inner voice.
“Be careful how you talk to yourself because you are listening.”
