Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance Theory is a social-psychological concept describing mental discomfort from holding conflicting beliefs/ideas. It can explain why some people rationalize behaviors while understanding contradictory facts or truth (like smoking despite health risks). During my recovery, I learned how cognitive dissonance played a role in how my brain allowed me to stay in an emotionally and psychologically abusive marriage, but I still felt like it didn’t fully explain the way I was able to separate my reality from the horribly abusive things that happened in my marriage.
Close family members and friends would describe some of the abusive and unhealthy things they were witnessing, but I had to ignore what they were saying so I could function and keep my family intact. I was even told by my counselor, who met with my husband after I had a major depressive episode, that she believed he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that he would never be able to love me. I couldn’t let her input into my brain because if I truly heard it, I would have to make a major change. For me, and for many survivors of narcissistic abuse, these two truths can’t exist at the same time: admitting my husband was an abusive narcissist AND keeping my family together. I had to pick a side so I went with the false truth that I was okay and my marriage was fine. I stopped seeing my therapist. I told myself that all marriages have their problems, and I rationalized that I had a lot of happy moments (mainly with my children) so maybe things weren’t so bad. For so many good reasons, I didn’t think leaving my marriage was an option for me until it happened.
My House of Cards Fell
I didn’t see it coming, but at the end of my 25 year marriage, and when we were back in marriage therapy, my ex-husband casually mentioned that he wanted a different wife - one who believed everything that he believed and would unquestioningly submit to his authority in all decision making. He furthered explained that if I didn’t change and submit, our marriage would not be sustainable for 20+ years. Something broke open inside of me and the house of cards I was holding up fell to the ground. I could no longer hold the tension between staying in this marriage and having my own autonomy as a human being. I had to choose the real truth: I was miserable in my marriage and it was desperately unhealthy and broken.
I went back to our marriage therapist (alone) and he agreed that if I didn’t go back in my little box, things would never work out. Although this confirmed a lot for me, I realized that for so many years I was not able to see what was clearly happening in my marriage. I went through a period of time where I felt like I was living outside of my body and watching myself from above - moving through the process of telling our children, packing boxes and making arrangements for temporary housing. I knew the woman doing these things was me, but I felt like I was just observing her.
Nothing was Wrong with Me, Something Happened to Me
Fairly recently, I read about an expanded concept of Cognitive Dissonance termed Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance (TSD). I interviewed a psychologist about the nuances of these theories. He expanded the theory to describe a severe mental distress and internal conflict by victims of prolonged manipulation, gaslighting or other covertly abusive tactics from pathological personalities - narcissists and psychopaths. The targeted person’s reality clashes with the distorted narrative fed to them, causing self-doubt and a fractured sense of self, often leading to denial or trauma bonding as coping mechanisms. This fit! I realized Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance, more than just the normal definition of cognitive dissonance, is what happened to me.
The difference between these two theories is normal dissonance comes from an action as described earlier (like smoking while knowing it’s unhealthy), but TCD involves intentional confusion by another person to maintain control. Read that again. Narcissists and Psychopaths feed on power and control so it made this concept of traumatic cognitive dissonance so much clearer to me. I find this distinction important because knowledge and understanding were the key to my recovery from narcissistic abuse. Knowledge is power and we can reclaim it!
Please reach out if this is a concept that resonates with you because you feel the tension of what you’re experiencing and what you desire.
“You’ve always had the power my dear. You’ve had it all along.”
Glinda, The Wizard of Oz
