The Connection Between People Pleasers and Narcissists
After my divorce, I began figuring out the dynamics between people pleasers and narcissists. My ex husband had been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) through marriage therapy, seven years prior to our divorce. I decided to ignore this big piece of information even though it held the key to a lot of the conflict, confusion and misery in our marriage. I blocked it out of my mind because I was raising my children and wanted to keep my family intact. In hindsight, I realize that ‘intact’ meant we were physically together, but my children were being indoctrinated into a very unhealthy family system.
I also realized that in order to stay in that environment, I had to be very good at pleasing people. Pleasing the Narcissist meant less conflict and less perceived oppression; and pleasing my children meant that they didn’t always have to directly experience the consequences of their father’s mandates and reactions.
What Are the Traits of People Pleasers?
Afraid of being rejected or abandoned
Preoccupied about what others think and feel
Fearful of saying no, setting limits, or seeming “mean”
Strong need for the approval of others
Gets into relationships where they give more than they get
Neglectful of their own needs
Burned out trying to take care of others
Doesn’t prioritize their self-respect
Need for control
Perfectionism
How Do You Become a People Pleaser?
This is an important question and one that is wrapped up in the way we developed attachments as a child. There are four attachment styles and you can take the quiz here. Oftentimes a lack of emotional availability on the part of a parent is a big contributor to a child seeking security in closeness and connection. This is called the insecure attachment style. Even if a child has positive memories about the closeness with a parent, they may have experienced an inconsistency in emotional availability which is very confusing for a child.
A child will track a parent’s mood and check in frequently, striving to make parents proud, quieting their own needs, doing their best to be very, very good and earn their love. And so the practice of people pleasing begins. As the child grows, they become less interested in exploring who they want to be and more interested in learning how others want them to be.
People pleasers also tend to be highly sensitive people who can read a room. They can take the emotional temperature of those around them and try to avoid conflict by being extra helpful and nice. It is a way for them to maintain some control. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
What is the Connection Between People Pleasers and Narcissists?
A Narcissist targets people who they can control and have power over. A highly empathic person who pleases from a place of wanting to secure love and connection is their perfect relationship. My early adult years were defined by insecure attachments. I morphed myself into what my intimate partners wanted me to be. I was nice, I was agreeable, I was a shape shifter. This was my way of securing love. When I was in my mid 20s, I desperately wanted a long term relationship. When I met my ex husband, I thought he was perfect because he showered me with attention, he seemed successful, he had loads of charisma, and my parents loved him!
Narcissism was not talked about when I was a young adult, but now we know about the Narcissistic abuse cycle, and we can see that this is a way to reinforce and heighten the insecurity of a people pleaser. Here are the stages of this toxic cycle:
Love Bombing - hooking the target into the cycle by showering them with love, attention and adoration
Devaluing - a psychological process which includes constant criticism, emotional withdrawal, and manipulation designed to systematically erode a partner’s self-esteem, making a target easier to control
Hoovering - the narcissist's attempt to 'love bomb' and 'idealize' the target back into the abusive cycle after a devaluation phase. And finally,
Discarding- the stage characterized by the narcissist’s termination of the relationship after they lose power over the target, or their ego isn’t validated enough - oftentimes a new target is secured before this happens
I look at this cycle as a small box, and I continued bouncing off all sides of this box for 25 years. I did it for a lot of good reasons, but when my ex realized I was pushing myself out of the box, he started to discard me and found another target.
Narcissistic Abuse Coaching Can Help
One of the reasons I love coaching is because it can help bring awareness to other people trapped in this small box. Awareness is the gateway to sustainable change - even if you decide to stay in a narcissistic relationship for many valid reasons.
Coaching can help you see how your people pleasing skills are propping up the Narcissist. Please reach out if you want to take the next right step in disrupting the abuse cycle. Follow your longing, not your fear - Glennon Doyle
